15 Hilarious Quotes About Sex You Need to Read

funny sex quotes

Many believe there’s truth behind every joke. And that’s no more apparent than in funny sex quotes.

Whether you love the act or you hate it, sex is a subject you can laugh about no matter what. And it’s funny because it’s based on experience, something we can all relate to.

And with that said, feel like laughing at some “funny because it’s true” sex quotes? Yeah, so do we.

1. “Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” – Mae West

The same can be said about sex, business, life, and old lady card games… never underestimate the power of a good backup plan.

2. “My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don’t have sex–ever. Now that the milk is free, we’ve both become lactose intolerant.” – Margaret Cho

You always want what you can’t have… unless it’s right there in front of you. Every day. Every night. The same thing. Always there. For the rest of your life.

The couples in the crowd laugh because they know it’s true. But you wouldn’t have it any other way with any other person, right? (So cute.)

3. “Easy? You men have no idea what we’re dealing with. Teeth placement and jaw stress and suction and gag reflex. All that while bobbing up and down, moaning, and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don’t call it a job for nothing.” – Samantha Jones (Sex and the City)

And that’s not a job you can put on your resume… or can you? No, better not.

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Gentlemen, if your partner knows how to get the job done right, make sure that job comes with some sweet benefits. They deserve every single one of them.

4. “Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.” – Jerry Seinfeld

Men and women really are completely different creatures, in about every way imaginable. But that’s what keeps it interesting!

Let’s just hope the fireman can keep his hose up. If not, maybe this site can help.

5. “Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.” – Steve Martin

Take a moment to think about that. It’s so very true!

About the only thing close to being as wholesome, beautiful, and natural is a pizza… coupons included.

6. “It’s work having a vagina. Guys don’t think that it’s work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.” – Amy Schumer

Absolutely. The vagina doesn’t wake up that way.

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Now you know why your lady is in the bathroom for so long. You have no idea the amount of prep work it takes.

Oh, and you’re welcome.

7. “I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.” – Chelsea Handler

What better way to get to know someone, right? At least you both know you have one thing in common.

You know, it’s a start anyway.

8. “As I get older, I just prefer to knit.” – Tracey Ullman

Or watch TV. Or sleep. Or really just about anything else. Who has the time and energy anymore?

It’s old age honesty at its finest.

9. “If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.” – Dorothy Parker

Maybe the song should have been about short skirts bringing all the boys to the yard instead of milkshakes.

But seriously, it’s important to remember, the party’s over when she says it’s over. Short skirt or not.

10. “Usually I’m on top to keep the guy from escaping.” – Lisa Lampanelli

Whatever works, right? But that’s none of our business…

11. “I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody’s face while we’re having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?” – Laura Kightlinger

Can you say “awkward!”?

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But sometimes it’s best to just get in, do your business, and get out. Unless it’s sexy talk, why muddy it up with casual catch-up conversation?

12. “God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams

It really is like a liquid seesaw. One side goes up when the other side goes down.

13. “The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.” – Woody Allen

When you’re going through a dry spell, sometimes all you can do is make a joke and laugh. (It keeps the tears from falling!)

Let’s just hope it was as good for her as it was for him.

14. “It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” – George Burns

Well, he’s not wrong.

15. “Remember, sex is like a Chinese dinner. It ain’t over ’til you both get your cookie.” – Alec Baldwin

It’s only fair. Because if you’re nothing but selfish with the cookie, it’s guaranteed your fortune won’t be good.

There’s Some Truth Behind Funny Sex Quotes

We know it’s funny because it’s true. Funny sex quotes hit us on a personal level because we’ve all been on that crazy roller coaster.

And what’s better in life than roller coasters, sex, and laughs?

Can’t get enough? Click here for some funny sex quotes from the movies that describe your love life!