Funny Quotes About Sex (From Famous Women)

quotes about sex

Did you know that there is scientific evidence that shows that laughter really is the best medicine?

Laughing releases endorphins and forms social bonds. It also fosters brain connectivity and is a central element of human relationships.

There’s a very social aspect of laughter being the best medicine. And sex is an integral part of human social relationships.

That all to say that funny quotes about sex should make you feel really good.

We’ve put together the ultimate list of funny quotes about sex from women we all know and love. Keep reading for a heavy dose of medicine that’ll make you laugh out loud.

Funny Quotes About Sex (By Famous Women)

Amy Schumer

“It’s work having a vagina. Guys don’t think that it’s work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.”

Moving from standup to television and now into Hollywood movies, Amy Schumer fast-tracked through Hollywood comedy for a reason. She’s outrageously crude and rude. She speaks for all the women who don’t fit the mold.

Tracey Ullman

“As I get older, I just prefer to knit.”

It should come as no surprise that the creator of The Simpsons appears on this list. She won several Emmy awards for her work on the Tracey Ulman show and she’s known for her creative and offbeat beat sense of humor. This woman is an icon who’s been making us laugh for decades.

Tina Fey

“You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to f**k it.”

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She got her big break on Saturday Night Live and she’s been killing comedy ever since. Besides her hit show 30 Rock, we’ll always remember her as Ms. Norbury in Mean Girls. And of course, she did a Sarah Palin like nobody else.

Lily Tomlin

“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”

Around since the 1960’s, Lily Tomlin is a quintuple threat. She’s an actress, comedian, writer, singer, and producer.

Most recently, she’s starred along Jane Fonda in Grace and Frankie. Proving that you not only get wiser with age… you get funnier.

Roseanne Barr

“Women are cursed, and men are the proof.”

Roseanne Barr’s success with her sitcom Roseanne actually started a big trend. She kicked off stand up comedians getting their own shows.

This domestic goddess may have stirred up some controversy lately, but you can’t deny her sense of humous.

Lisa Lampanelli

“Usually I’m on top to keep the guy from escaping.”

Lisa Lampanelli is racy, to say the least. She’s also known for her brand of ethnically-charged comedy. But her stand up is actually influenced by the style of the Dean Martin comedy roasts.

Self-deprecation at it’s finest, Lampanelli knows how to make you laugh at all her faults. And those of the many men she talks about.

Joan Rivers

“The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she’s shopping.”

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”

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“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.”

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

Joan Rivers is so good we had to mention her four times. Her appeal was the controversial comedy that she performed since the 50’s.

She made no effort to be liked, and that’s why we like her.

Nora Ephron

“In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.”

“Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.”

Nominated three times for the Academy Award for Best Writing, she was also a journalist who worked in the Whitehouse during JFK’s term.

Nora Ephron takes smart comedy to its highest heights. But she wasn’t kidding about people loving her for her mind. She was one brilliant woman.

Chelsea Handler

“I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.”

Chelsea Handler never shies away from controversy. And controversy makes for good comedy.

But don’t underestimate how deep her brand of comedy actually goes. In her talk show and on her documentary series, she’s been tackling serious issues. Watch her comedic twist on racism, relationships, and drugs if you like a little laugh with your politics.

Lindsay Lohan

“My mom is going to kill me for talking about sleeping with people. But I don’t want to put myself in the position where I’m in a monogamous relationship right now. I’m not dating just one person. Sex and the City changed everything for me because those girls would sleep with so many people.”

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We wonder what Lindsay then would think of Lindsay now?

Maria Bamford

“I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don’t wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.”

Known best for talking about her dysfunctional family and self-deprecating comedy involving jokes about depression and anxiety, we can’t help but think Maria Bamford was actually serious about this one.

Marilyn Monroe

“Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.”

Known as a sexual icon and definitely not a comedian, Monroe nonetheless offered some seriously funny quips when given the chance. Beauty and a sense of a humor? How can anybody resist that combo?

Khloe Kardashian

“I went to Catholic school and they basically just said don’t have sex, but would never explain anything.”

We’re not sure Khloe would have got it anyways.

More Sex, Please

Funny quotes about sex get right to the heart of what it is to be human. And funny quotes about sex from women let us discover more about what a woman’s sexual world looks like.

For more funny quotes on just about every topic, check out our blog.